19 September, 2006 | Leave a Comment
My first couple weeks in Paris, I wrote a bit about how I was in a funk, which is just a sanitized way of saying “depressed.” I didn’t think I wrote about it too much, but given the reactions I’ve received from people, I guess it was more of an overwhelming theme of my posts than I realized.
It’s my intention to be honest in my writing on this site and elsewhere. I obviously withhold a lot of things about my life since I’m not a complete exhibitionist, but what I do write is a genuine representation of what I’m thinking and feeling. And I couldn’t write about my life without writing about the intense feelings I experienced upon moving here. I felt it was important for a number of reasons. My life may seem glamourous, what with moving to Paris and traveling all over the U.S. this summer, etc. But I don’t want to participate in a charade or create a mythology surrounding myself. I’ve been lucky enough to live in some amazing places, true, but life is life wherever you live it. That’s one lesson I’ve learned over and over again.
I am no stranger to depression and I have no qualms writing about it. It’s a normal human response, just like love or happiness or fear. But it’s clear to me now that this topic makes many people uncomfortable, as if it’s something I should keep to myself, lest I bring everyone down or give the impression that there’s something wrong with me. As I grappled with this realization, I turned to one of my wisest friends, a writer who has written extensively on depression. I told her that I was (rather naively) surprised that after writing about this topic more openly than I ever have before on my blog, I was suddenly feeling somewhat stigmatized, that even some of my friends seemed like they were avoiding me (which is just what a depressed person needs). My friend told me that she wasn’t surprised, that we’re expected to be silent on the topic of depression, that it can often be construed as a sign of weak-mindedness. She said that we’re encouraged to put on a happy face, even if we don’t feel happy. (This is probably especially true of Americans.) To discuss depression, one risks being shunned. Sadly, I think she’s right.
This is all the more reason to write about it, of course. Writing is therapeutic for me and I think these feelings are a legitimate topic for discussion. I’m not going to dwell on feeling depressed, but I refuse to leave it unacknowledged. My feelings of depression do not mean that I wish I hadn’t moved to Paris or that I don’t like it here — not at all. I’m thrilled to be here and I’m excited to learn French and experience life in this city. I don’t regret moving here for a second. It’s just that when I arrived, a lot of things hit me all at once and it was often easier to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head than go outside and face this strange new world. I often get this way during times of transition. And to make matters worse, I had spent part of the summer surrounded by my family and closest friends and then I was suddenly alone in a new city, completely and utterly alone. There was a great deal of culture shock mixed in with that initial depression as well. Given my temperament, this was all a recipe for disaster.
The good news is that I am feeling a lot better now, more settled, more capable of figuring out how to live my life here. I still feel blue sometimes, but these feelings won’t last forever and they aren’t overwhelming me anymore. What I’ve felt during this major transition is perfectly valid and normal for me — perhaps not for others, but this is how I experience things. Feeling the way I do after just moving to Paris (of all places) may seem a bit incongruous, but this is my honest response to these changes in my life. I had to own it. And I did. Now I can move on.
Anglofille said @ 7:18 pm | personal |
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Sarah Says:
September 19th, 2006 at 10:03 pmIt is bizarre that folks think that not acknowledging something means that it will go away (although, I do feel like that about washing up!). Buddhists have a good way of looking at life in that they subscribe to an idea called “anicca” which means “impermanence”. They basically say that nothing stays the same - good moods, and bad, happiness and sadness - all will pass eventually. We cannot remain the same all the time. Some people find this negative, I find it quite liberating. You’ve just gotta go with it.
By the way, I love your blog and read it often. Thanks for your honesty and insight. -
Thanks for telling me about “anicca.” I’ve never heard of this concept before, but it’s very helpful to consider in thinking about these issues.
I’m glad you like the blog. Thanks so much for reading!
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Anita Says:
September 21st, 2006 at 1:07 amThank you for this post.
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Jeannie Says:
September 21st, 2006 at 4:48 amHello, Anglofille. I’m glad you posted this. And even more, I’m happy that you can have the persepective to write about what you’ve been experiencing lately.
