19 September, 2006 | Leave a Comment

This morning I woke up and on an impulse, removed the piercing from my nose that’s been there for three years. I have never been tempted to do this before, not once. I have no idea why I awoke this morning determined to remove it, but it was such an overwhelming urge that I didn’t hesitate. It was a laborious and painful process (if you’ve ever seen the inside of a nose piercing, you’ll know why). But now I’m glad it was painful because transitions are painful and that’s what my life is right now — transition upon transition upon transition. It felt good to feel real physical pain after a rocky few weeks of inner turmoil and ache.

I have no intention of putting the piercing back in again. I don’t want to be that woman anymore.

Where the piercing was, there is now a small hole. I’m not sure if this will bother me over time, if I’ll decide I need to fill it again. I don’t want to, but I reserve the right. That’s the bad thing about these bodily markings we’re all so fond of nowadays, these “acts of individualism that are anything but.” They leave a mark, a scar, long after what they were meant to express is irrelevant. But then perhaps the remnant of what used to be, that mark on the body that reminds us of our previous stupid choices, is what we craved all along. Something permanent to remind us of who we used to be, in case we try to forget.

Now when I look at my face in the mirror I see the whiteness of my skin and the smattering of freckles and the lines that didn’t use to be there. I see my face again, unmarked, just me — a blank slate, like my life.

1. Comments RSS | TrackBack URI

1. Gadfleye Says:

   September 19th, 2006 at 4:47 pm

   Don’t feel bad, you could have a tatoo on your arm of the Tazmanian Devil that you got when you were a teenager like I did…and that’s not my only tatoo…

2. Anglofille Says:

   September 19th, 2006 at 5:13 pm

   i’m waiting for an e-mail from you about this! i want more details!

3. jen Says:

   September 20th, 2006 at 7:48 pm

   you never know. i had mine in for 10 years, took it out one day, left it out for 2 years, then (ouch!) put it back in. just because.

   and re: depression. it is only through people writing and speaking about it openly, that the stigma that causes so many people to live in quiet pain, can begin to be dismantled and destroyed. so while i’m so sorry you feel depressed, i for one, applaud your candor.

Name (required)

Mail (will not be published) (required)

Website