25 March, 2007 | Leave a Comment

A few years ago, before I embarked on this expat adventure, I worked as a writer at Harvard University. The dean of the school where I worked decided one summer to have a staff retreat so we could get to know one other better. [Blah.] During the lunch break he asked us a question: If our home caught fire and we could only take one thing with us before escaping, what would it be?

I really hate these sorts of exercises. We were sitting in a circle and we had to go around and take turns answering this question. The answers were predictable – wedding photos, family heirlooms. Because of where I was sitting, I was the last person to speak. And I said that if my home caught fire, I’d let everything burn. I’d save nothing. Then I’d be free, I said, with nothing to tie me down.

My answer was greeted with silence for the most part. I think many people were horrified by what I’d said, though in the following days a few co-workers came up to me and said they had been thinking about my response.

That summer day at Harvard suddenly came back to me in January, at one of the lowest points in my life. I’m not entirely sure why I thought of it, but I realized that I’d gotten what I’d wanted in a roundabout way. By the time I left for London in September 2005, I had sold or given away almost everything I owned – car, furniture, books, CDs, pots, pans, clothes. I kept virtually nothing, save for a few boxes I put into storage near Cape Cod, in a building that was struck by lightning on the day I moved my stuff in. My home hadn’t caught fire, thank goodness, but I possessed virtually nothing all the same. And then I was free.

Well, not quite.

As the saying goes, be careful what you wish for. If I’ve learned anything since becoming an expat, especially over the past few months, it’s this:

You can get rid of your belongings and give up your home. You can say goodbye to your family and friends. You can leave your country behind.

But you can never escape from yourself.

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1. Anita Says:

   March 26th, 2007 at 1:22 am

   I lost everything I owned to mental illness. I grieve it all still. And given that my self is never intact, I’d rather be crazy with a house than crazy without one.

2. Lizzie Says:

   March 26th, 2007 at 6:37 pm

   i came to the same realization as you.

3. Gumbo Girl Says:

   March 27th, 2007 at 6:22 pm

   In my opinion, your response was brilliant. That said, I’m definitely biased, having sold all my belongings to jump on a boat and sail across the ocean. As someone who grapples with the sometimes-torturous expat life in Paris, your posts give me a lot of food for thought. Particularly about my own reasons for escape. I appreciate that.

4. Anglofille Says:

   March 27th, 2007 at 10:41 pm

   Wow, thank you Gumbo Girl. Those sentiments mean a lot to me.

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