26 March, 2007 | Leave a Comment

Okay, this is a long one. And probably only for hardcore readers! Sometimes I think I share too much personal information here, but there are a few issues I want to address now that I’m wrapping up my time in Paris and this rather turbulent chapter of my life is coming to a close. Last September when I arrived in Paris I began to chronicle certain aspects of my life in a confessional way. This just sort of happened; it wasn’t by design. I don’t know how I’ll approach writing this blog in the future, because it evolves all the time. But I feel the need to finish what I started here vis-a-vis chronicling my life in Paris. I opened the door and before I leave this city, I want to write about what’s happened over the past few months and why I am packing up and leaving town rather quickly. As a writer, I don’t want to leave these questions unanswered because I would feel that I only wrote half the story. While no blogger writes about everything that happens in her or his life, I do feel that what I’ve shared here so far has been an honest reflection of what I’ve gone through and I hope in some ways it has helped to shatter the idea that life in Paris is a fantasy dreamworld. It’s not. No place on earth can ever be that.

As you know, I am leaving Paris in less than three weeks. Not only am I going back to London, but I’ll become a full-time student again straight away. [And I have some exciting news about school to share very soon!] My departure date from Paris was never set. I always assumed I’d leave in August or September. I originally planned to go back to school in the fall, so I simply needed to be back by the last week of September. But over the past month and a half, everything changed. I suddenly got clarity on many things.

If you’ve been reading this blog regularly, you know that my time in Paris has been filled with incredible highs and incredible lows. Perhaps I have given the impression that Paris caused all of this, but that’s simply not the case. I was already on a bit of a roller coaster before I arrived here last September.

From February 2006 to the beginning of February 2007, I went through a rather difficult time. We all go through transformations and transitions – that’s part of life. And sometimes we go through a time that we look back on later and think – How did I ever get through that? That’s what this past year has been like for me. A lot of things hit me all at once. Living abroad didn’t cause my problems; the desire to move abroad was a symptom of a larger problem, as I alluded to in my previous post. And being in Paris certainly intensified everything. The highs and lows this city can elicit in a newcomer were particularly difficult for me to handle because I was already feeling rather fragile when I got here. It was like picking at a scab.

A year before I arrived in Paris, I sold everything I owned, left the US and moved to London. As my departure date for Paris grew closer, I began to fear that a second major transition within one year was too much for me to handle, but I went ahead with it anyway. And my fears were realized in many ways.

In January, it seemed as if everything I’d been through over the previous year suddenly came full circle. My life came crashing down around me. It was a horrible time. And this is where Paris made things worse. In my new apartment, I’d stay in my bed much of the time, hiding under the covers. And I’d know that the Arc de Triomphe and the Champs-Elysées were only a few blocks away. And that made everything worse. I felt like such a freak. How could anyone be unhappy in Paris???

Anglofille: It’s so strange to feel depressed in Paris.

Anglofille’s therapist: There’s absolutely nothing strange about that, I can assure you. This city is full of depressed people. If anything, it makes you more Parisian.

I had begun seeing a therapist, who helped me with many things — depression, sleep problems, goal setting, my frustration over not being able to work on my novel. Therapists don’t have magical powers, obviously. Being in therapy makes you confront yourself, to think about your life in a conscious way. I learned in therapy that I am an extremely sensitive person, that I feel things and experience things at a very deep level, in a way that most people (thankfully) do not. But I’m also extremely adventurous. This is not a good combination! My adventurous self has a habit of putting me into situations that my sensitive self has a hard time handling.

Just understanding this dynamic was extremely empowering for me. Therapy helped a great deal, but I also think that this difficult period of my life had simply played itself out in many ways. January and early February were awful, but luckily, this was like a crescendo and then rather suddenly, I snapped out of it. It was remarkable. I hate to use a cliché, but it felt like during the previous year, I had shed a skin. There’s no other way to describe it. And shedding a skin – transforming – is usually a painful process. But if you’re lucky, you emerge from it a stronger person. And I have.

Around early to mid-February, my friends and family where shocked at the difference in me – my parents could even hear it in my voice on the phone. Everyone in my life had been terribly worried about me. It was a relief to me and to them that I was back to being myself again. And there was no doubt about it – I had weathered the storm. The shift I could feel within myself was profound.

It was at this point that I began to really think about why I had come to Paris and whether I should stay. I came here because I needed time off my PhD (a wise move) and so I thought I’d move to Paris, study French and just hang out. But I think my real motivation was that I wanted to escape from reality. I wanted to hit the “pause” button on my life. I needed a respite and I was lucky enough that my circumstances allowed me to take one. I arrived in Paris last September and I didn’t feel like a completely whole person. My life, my self, were in fragments.

Paris is a great place to come if you want to escape from reality. If you aren’t fluent (or even very good) in French, you can essentially live in a bubble. You can be completely detached from real life and spend your days drinking tea in cafés and walking through gardens and visiting museums. In Paris, I don’t read newspapers, don’t watch television and hardly ever speak with other English-speaking people. During my time here, I really just “checked out.” And whenever I’d experience problems – little ones and big ones alike – I’d just completely fall apart. The intrusion of reality on this weird fantasy life I’d created was too much to handle. I think many newcomers to Paris experience this phenomenon to varying degrees.

Not only that, but living in this bubble forced me to examine myself and my life like never before. Without family, without old friends, with a language barrier, with only a few suitcases of belongings, what was I left with? Me. Just little ol’ me. It was quite intense. I learned a lot about myself during this time and I had to face many things I didn’t like.

Thankfully, the need I had to check out of reality has now passed. It served me well – for the first time in a year, I feel whole again. Thank goodness. I didn’t realize this was what I needed to achieve when I got here, but then life often has plans for us, even if we don’t understand them. I will always be grateful for this time in Paris – it has changed me profoundly. I feel like I’ve just awakened from a long sleep – equal parts dream and nightmare. And once I “awoke,” I realized that there’s simply no reason for me to stay here any longer. My life is not in Paris. I got what I needed out of this experience and now, quite simply, it’s time to go. I am giving up the chance to stay here for five more months, to continue this existence of mine as a quasi-tourist who spends a great deal of her time in museums and wandering around, taking photographs of sunsets and flowers. I’m giving this up to go back to London and start my real life again. I’m at a crucial age. What I do now will shape my future in many ways. There’s no time to waste.

The decision to leave early wasn’t an easy one to make, but once I made it I didn’t look back. I know without a doubt I made the right choice. And I am itching to return to London and to start school again. I am desperate for my life to begin moving forward, to be working towards my goals, to be accomplishing things. I am so antsy right now! For the first time in a long time – perhaps for the first time ever – I know what I want. And it feels good.

So that’s what’s been happening with me. And this is why I’m leaving Paris early. Just in case you were wondering…

1. Comments RSS

1. jen Says:

   March 26th, 2007 at 10:00 pm

   wow. you write so poignantly about such a transformative experience, it gives me goosebumps. in part, because i experienced something rather similar in my move to london (not the desire to escape, but the impulse to pare down to the bone and figure out what was left – and what i wanted to do with it)

   the rolling stones weren’t exactly up there with sartre or camus or rousseau… but they knew what they were talking about when they said, “you can’t always get what you want/but if you try sometime/you might find/you get what you need”.

   i’m glad you got what you need.

2. Mr. X Says:

   March 26th, 2007 at 11:16 pm

   Sometimes you just need a bit of catharsis in your existence to turn a corner you couldn’t even see before. Thank you for sharing it with us.

   - So welcome back to the world of the living – we’re so glad to have you here again!

3. Rebecca Says:

   March 27th, 2007 at 4:54 am

   I’m glad everything came together in the end. Seems to me that you’re much stronger than you think you are. Congrats!

4. Anglofille Says:

   March 27th, 2007 at 10:37 pm

   Jen: That quote from the Rolling Stones sums up my experience here perfectly. This isn’t the experience that I envisioned for myself before I got here (if it had been, I never would have come!), but it ended up being exactly what I needed. Thank you.

   Mr. X: Thanks, as always, for your kind comment. You are always so encouraging and sweet.

   Rebecca: Thank you! I always love hearing from you and I appreciate your kind words.

5. william Says:

   March 27th, 2007 at 11:18 pm

   I like the quote you posted: Change your life today. Don’t gamble on the future, act now, without delay.
   –Simone de Beauvoir

   As a matter of fact, I’m presently reading de Beauvoir’s A Very Easy Death.

6. Nicole Says:

   March 27th, 2007 at 11:20 pm

   Good for you. I’m glad that you are okay.

7. korova Says:

   March 27th, 2007 at 11:58 pm

   It’s so good to hear that you’re happy with your decision to go back to London. I am really happy for you given the difficult time you were having. Hey, we’re glad to welcome you back to England, after all, you have always been an Anglofille!!

8. beangreen Says:

   March 28th, 2007 at 8:20 am

   I’m so glad to read you’re taking care and that this decision is pulling you toward yourself again.

9. Anglofille Says:

   March 28th, 2007 at 11:56 pm

   Thank you so much William, Nicole and Beangreen! xx

   Korova, you get points for the cutest comment of the week.

10. Lisa Says:

    March 29th, 2007 at 7:00 pm

    Hi, from Bill’s (William) sister. Last time I peeked on your blog, you weren’t writing, but now I’ve added you to my handy RSS reader because Bill always says such nice things about you and it’s fun to meet a family member’s friends.