15 June, 2007 | Leave a Comment
Worry.
I haven’t been myself lately. My friends from home wonder what’s happened to me because I haven’t been replying to emails too much. Friends here have gotten in touch about going out but with just one exception, I’ve not responded. Maybe because I just want to keep it all inside. I don’t want them to know. It seems that my life is a never-ending soap opera. Best to just keep it to myself.
There’s a lot going on, but the big thing is that I have to move in two weeks and I have nowhere to go. Impending homelessness is a big thing to have hanging over one’s head. I’m also poor. Quite poor. The exchange rate here has decimated my bank account. I don’t make a lot of money anyway and what I do make is literally halved once I change it to pounds. $100 is only worth $50, if that. It’s really just a nightmarish scenario for me.
I know I need to find a place to live but I don’t want to look. I’m tired — of being homeless on a regular basis, of looking for housing, of being evicted, of dragging my tattered red suitcases from one temporary one-room dwelling to the next. My belongings are currently stashed in three different countries. I can’t fill out job applications or forms for school because I have no address. That’s starting to screw with my head. I have an e-mail address, that’s it. If only I could crawl into my computer and live there.
Really, I don’t have many options. I don’t want to look for permanent housing right now and even if I did, it’s not an option. I can’t afford it. I can’t afford the place I’m living now — a room without a kitchen. I know people in the US whose monthly mortgage payment on a condo is less than what I’m paying each month. Given my financial circumstances, I couldn’t possibly scrape together a deposit for a new place. It doesn’t help that the stupid $#%! in Paris has two months worth of rent that she won’t give back. So I have no choice but to find somewhere else temporary to live. Somewhere cheap.
Somewhere cheap. In a city where living in a hostel costs over $1,000 a month. What to do? I know I could find a dump to live in somewhere, but I don’t want to live in a dump, that’s the problem. I couldn’t bear it. I’m too old for that, aren’t I? I’ve told people I know here that I need a place to live and I’ve asked them to keep their ears open. But no one knows of anything. And I’ve only been very casual about it. I’m sure if I told them the seriousness of the situation, they’d help. But I just can’t do that. I don’t know them well enough.
My secret wish is that someone would just take care of me till I get on my feet here, that’s what I wish. We all need that sometimes and it’s nice when it happens. I wish that I could live in a nice place for a while and not have to worry worry worry. I want to be helped. I want someone to look after me. Just for a while. I want to rest my head on someone’s shoulder just because, sleep on nice sheets and use a kitchen to make oatmeal with brown sugar. Feel safe. Not scared. For a while. But the only people who will do that sort of thing are family or old friends. And I ain’t got none of them here.
So I’m on my own. As always. This is the life I chose and now I have to live it. We’ll see what happens. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. There’s really no reason for me to be posting this and I’m sure tomorrow I’ll wish that I hadn’t.
Anglofille said @ 3:07 am | personal | 8 Comments
- Comments RSS
-
You’re always welcome to come to NJ for a visit- a month or so, not much longer, cause any time longer than that, we’d be ready to kill one another! LOL!
(either that or Drew would leave me!)
But know that you are always welcome here!
Hugs!
Mr. Wonka
-
Rebecca Says:
June 15th, 2007 at 6:21 amIf I was there and had a couch, I would let you crash with me.
I’m thinking good thoughts for you (I’d pray but I’m atheist). You’ll pull through. You’re incredibly tough, despite what you may think of yourself, considering all the things you’ve been through the last few years.
Just don’t give up.
*hugs*
-
mostly aussie and kiwi working holidaymakers, it’s got lots of shares and rooms-for-rent on a short term basis.
not ideal, but you could easily find something for the next few months to give yourself more options and room to breathe.
-
also, as for being “too old”… i know how you feel, as it was a big adjustment for me to go back to having flatmates. but honestly, it can be nice not to be alone even when you’re alone.
-
Know the feeling…it’s almost as expensive to rent as buy in London. However, unless some nice person gives us £50,000 or so, buying is out of the question – hate commuting in/out, but such is life.
You’re going to have to get off your shapely derrière and find something very soon, you know. Don’t put it off any longer of you really will be in a s**thole and very unhappy.Good luck!
Oh, and *hug*
-
Jen beat me to the gum tree punch. Sure you would need to share a place- but it’s a lot cheaper than being on your own!
-
Jaxter Says:
June 15th, 2007 at 7:17 pmDon’t you have a housing service at your place of education? Sure it means sharing, all of us who studied in the worlds most exciting city (yes, for students as well) had to do it. Despite my initial reservations with sharing, I had such great fun. You are not old, if you get with the right people, you will have the times of your life. Chin up. It will happen when you least expect it.
-
thanks so much y’all. xx
