11 September, 2007 | Leave a Comment

Happy Birthday to my dearest Maman!

Over the years, I’ve become quite partial to the French term maman [pronounced more like mama but with a French twist. I use it all the time.]

So what do I want to write about maman on her birthday? Lately I’ve been thinking about how lucky I am to have a mom who is not one of those mothers. I’ve been hearing so many women complain about their mothers, both people I know and funnily enough, just by eavesdropping on conversations on the train recently. There are so many horror stories about how mothers criticize their daughters’ appearance (their weight, their clothes, their hair); how they criticize their daughters’ lifestyles (Why aren’t you married yet? Why don’t you have kids?). These are all familiar complaints from women about their mothers, but I realized recently that my mom has never criticized me about these things.  Never.  Not once.  I realize just how lucky I am and how this has changed my life and shaped who I am.

I think many mothers spend a great deal of time criticizing and trying to control their daughters. And in so doing, they are actually reinforcing patriarchal ideas. What is the purpose of criticizing your daughter’s hair or her weight? You only do that if you want her to fit into the stereotypical female role prescribed by fashion magazines. Why criticize your daughter for not being married or having children? When mothers do this, they are trying to force their daughters into traditional roles and limit their daughters’ freedom. Perhaps they find their daughters’ freedom to be threatening or they are jealous of it. Perhaps they’re worried about what their neighbors will think if their daughter is 35 and not married. But don’t these mothers realize that if their daughter wants to get married, she will? That if she wants to have children, she will have them — by her own choice, not by coercion?

It’s disheartening that sexist, patriarchal ideals are transmitted from mother to daughter in this way. What makes it even worse is that the majority of women in this world — whether in developing countries or in disadvantaged parts of the developed world — do not have the same choices and opportunities that middle-class and upper-class women in Western societies have. Yet so many mothers I know just nag their daughters about marriage or children or their looks. It shows how deeply rooted patriarchal ideals are in our society. The sad truth is that women who should know better play a huge part in enforcing them.

I don’t mean to imply that my mom is a big fan of me being rootless in my thirties and not owning furniture or having a retirement account. She worries about me endlessly and I get to hear about it regularly (!). But her concerns stem from wanting me to be happy and secure in life. Of course, most mothers will say that in nagging their daughters to get married or buy nicer clothes or lose ten pounds, they are also trying to make their daughters happy. Funny, then, that very little happiness results from such actions — but there’s bitterness and resentment aplenty.

My mom knows I can choose a life that makes me happy on my own terms. Right now, being a student and living in a hall of residence makes me happy. The fact that I am not subjected to that toxic and bitter kind of motherly nagging has been very liberating for me. My family has never tried to force me into a lifestyle I do not want. My present life is vastly different from the lives of the people I grew up with and they probably think I’m weird. But then, who cares what they think? They’re freaks anyway.

So Happy Birthday Maman! Given how you were raised, I’m not quite sure how you ended up the way you are. You’re just special! Thanks for not being one of those mothers.

xoxo

1. Comments RSS | TrackBack URI

1. Mum Says:

   September 11th, 2007 at 7:46 pm

   What a beautiful, wonderful blog post to read on my birthday! No card or poet could have said something so lovely. It is times like this that you know life has been worth it. How lucky I am to have such a thoughtful, loving daughter as you!!!
   Love, Mum

2. Lillie Says:

   September 11th, 2007 at 11:34 pm

   Happy Birthday Mrs. Anglofille’s Mum!!

3. William Says:

   September 12th, 2007 at 12:55 am

   Happy Birthday Maman Anglofille!

4. Cav Says:

   September 13th, 2007 at 12:34 am

   What a nice posting. It would warm any mother’s heart. Happy Birthday to your Maman.

Name (required)

Mail (will not be published) (required)

Website