25 January, 2008 | Leave a Comment
One of the great things about doing a PhD in creative writing is that you can email your supervisor and tell him/her that you haven’t produced anything since Christmas because you have writer’s block. You can then add that you have lost all your confidence, that you feel your writing sucks and that you’re desperately unhappy about it.
If you’re going to law school or doing a PhD in economics or something like that, you’d never send such a note to anyone in your department. If you did, you’d likely never be able to show your face again. But that’s the great thing about being a creative writer — it’s acceptable to admit you’re filled with angst and having a meltdown over your work. Writers aren’t expected to be normal and well-adjusted. Plus, these people are reading my novel, which is filled with weird sh*t; some of it comes from my life and some of it is completely made up, but it still comes from my brain — it’s like my thoughts and feelings and fears and desires laid bare. Being a writer of literary fiction means being exposed in all sorts of uncomfortable ways. It can be embarrassing. Since they’ve seen me exposed already, why pretend that everything is okay when it’s not? It’s not like this is a normal professional/academic relationship. Being open about my state of mind is all part of the continuing humiliation I must endure as a writer.
Though I can admit I have writer’s block and joke about it, it’s really quite painful to go through. What I mean by writer’s block is not that I can’t write at all (obviously I’m writing this) but that I can’t access my creative self in any real way and that’s what I need to write at the level required by a novel. Writing a novel isn’t just about putting words on the page — it’s about putting a whole world on the page. It’s creating a world through words, a world that only exists in the writer’s mind. I was doing well before Christmas and I think the holidays were the problem. I got out of my routine and lost the spark I had. Also, it’s January and I never function well during this, the cruelest month. I know I’ll get through this drought, but that doesn’t make it any easier to live with day by day. This morning I was curled up in a ball on my bed. Not being able to write feels like an ache, like a physical pain. I wish it would go away.
Anglofille said @ 4:12 pm | literary |
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For some reason the holidays do this to me too!
But remember that it isn’t just the writing that is what is considered ‘doing the work.’ Reading is part of the work as well. Going to a reading or a book signing too. Going to a library or a museum… The list goes on and on.
We tend to focus too much on our lack of productivity and not see that the process is more than simply sitting down and writing. So don’t despair. You’re not alone. You’re definitely not alone!
I know this is easier said than done but I try to keep this in mind.
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daniela Says:
January 26th, 2008 at 9:26 amoh, I hope it does… january is nearly ending. i have been through the same thing, trip home plus end of the year pain (for me it is a very painful time of the year) plus winter just kind of interrupted the flow of joy and productivity I was having with my translation and dissertation. translating is very draining, it is a creative process as well, mainly with the author I am translating.
anyway, stay in bed as long as you may, you may be needing some rest, you have had a frantic couple of months so far. but also go out and see pretty things, ease the pressure on your brain. i went to the tate modern yesterday, i dont know if it helped but at least i didnt stay home revolving unwanted thoughts.
hope you feel well soon, and bear in mind that we see what we do with very different eyes that that of the others, dont be so harsh on yourself
best -
Thanks for your comments. While it’s awful that others have to experience this too, at least I know I am part of a community of writers who understand this struggle. xx
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London boy in Kansas Says:
January 30th, 2008 at 1:34 pmFind a new bit of London. Visit a market you’ve never been to. Ride a Routemaster (No. 9 is still going I believe). See the Westend early in the morning with coffee and a book. When searching for my thread of creativity I found exploring London always helped. Don’t forget your camera, you take great photographs.
