19 March, 2008 | Leave a Comment
As of today I am a full-time writer. This morning I finished up the lingering teaching duties I had and now I am free. Free!
Gulp.
This was a big decision for me, to quit teaching and focus on school full-time, which essentially means full-time novel writing. Once again…gulp.
This academic year I’ve taken on too many responsibilities. The teaching entailed 13 hours a week of actual teaching time, not including lesson prep and marking. I also work in the hall of residence (in exchange for rent) and I still work for the American company (which I realize I never explained after my cryptic post last December). That’s three jobs. What was I thinking? What got lost in all of this is that little thing known as my PhD. You know, the PhD, otherwise known as the whole reason I came to England and what I’ll be paying off until I’m 96. Oh yeah, that.
My PhD has become secondary in my life, but it needs to be first. I’ve already spent tens of thousands of dollars on this PhD and completely uprooted my life for it. I need to get my priorities straight. I am a full-time student, after all, and I need to start behaving like one. Something just had to go and the teaching job was the biggest drain of time and brainpower. I love teaching, but I need a break. The money I make from my American job will be enough to live on for now (it pays pretty well and the hours are reduced to virtually nothing), though I won’t be rolling in cash. I’ll go back to teaching this summer or in the autumn, once I’ve finished a first draft of my book. I just cannot teach again until I’ve produced a substantial amount of work.
At first I resisted the idea of quitting the teaching job. It seemed completely unimaginable to me to do that until a couple weeks ago. I mean, the money is nice. And being overstretched is nothing new for me — I have a tendency to take on too many projects at once, thus overwhelming myself. But there were other, more troubling reasons I clung to the teaching job, even when it was clear I needed to step back and devote more time to school.
My PhD is my novel, so working on my PhD full-time means becoming a full-time novelist. Why wouldn’t I jump at the chance to do that? I guess part of it is that I’ve never attempted this before, to almost completely dedicate my life to writing fiction. I think I fear putting too much pressure on myself and not being able to manage my time. These are valid fears. But there’s more than that. Being able to write full-time is an incredible luxury. I know very few writers who are able to do this. People dream about it, but are rarely given the opportunity. I have friends who want to write full-time but instead work crap jobs that they hate. I guess in many ways I feel as if I’m not worthy of a chance like this. What makes me so special?
I think this also says a lot about how I view the very act of writing — or creating art. On some level, despite what I say, I must not think it’s that important. If I were doing a PhD in biochemistry, I wouldn’t think twice about working on it full-time. But my writing doesn’t seem like work to most people and it doesn’t seem important. When I’ve been writing all day and I tell certain people how tired I am after such hard work, they laugh. I guess I’ve internalized this attitude. But if I don’t view writing as supremely important, as worthy of total devotion, then what business do I have calling myself a writer?
Once I realized this is how I felt deep down, I had to get rid of the guilt at being given this opportunity. I should feel grateful, not guilty. I need to seize this chance to become a full-time writer. I should be jumping for joy. Who knows when/if this opportunity will present itself again. And not only that, but I need to believe I am worthy of this chance and that what I’m doing is important. It will take a bit of time to completely embrace these ideas, but at least I’m aware I’ve been feeling this way. Perhaps my feelings have been undermining me to some degree. When my supervisor heard I was quitting teaching to devote myself to writing, she said she thinks it will help my confidence a lot.
So tomorrow I begin a new chapter (pardon the pun). I’m excited and nervous. Wish me luck!
Anglofille said @ 8:35 pm | academia |
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Anita Says:
March 19th, 2008 at 8:42 pmBest decision you’ve made all year!
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Gregory Says:
March 20th, 2008 at 2:33 pmI couldn’t do that, I’d turn to crime, I need (a) savings and (b) income.
I need (b) as ‘the budget’,
I need (a) because budget ain’t gonna be viable.
I’ve worked this out. Also, education for me, mostly free, I’m not sure how Brits do it now.
I got tuition for free, I got a grant of fifty quid a year, that being lowest possible.
I think 2,500 was full grant. This being 1975/6. It was linked to parental income or something.
Does that sound right? As I ended up running a raft of record companies it didn’t really matter.
Books are better, I wish I did that.
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Congraulations Angofille! Merde and all that. Very exciting…
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It’s a real decision, Anglo, and I hope it is the good one.
Anyway, it’s a difficult one. Not because of the money but because, when you are full-time writer, you have no more reasons when you don’t write.
So, Courage ! Anglo !
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Thanks everyone!
Yes, Aldor, you are correct! No more excuses. Yikes.
