30 April, 2008 | 6 Comments

My court case is officially over — finally! The Paris Bar wired the money into my bank account, representing 100% of the judgment awarded to me by the court in February. This includes the original deposit, plus damages and legal fees. The last piece of the puzzle was getting the evil landlady to officially give up her right to appeal in writing, which I’m pleased to say she did this week. So that’s it. Case closed.

I didn’t think it would end this way. I thought there’d be more drama. At first she threatened to appeal the verdict and then attempted to essentially blackmail me into accepting a lesser amount. I thought I was in for another long fight, with more stress and even more money spent. But for reasons I’ll never understand, the landlady suddenly gave up and paid me everything. It’s a real mystery. Now this whole ugly business is finished. At last.

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28 April, 2008 | 1 Comment

I had a sense there’d be a gorgeous sunset tonight. It rained earlier, then cleared up, which almost always equates to a stunning sky at sundown. I wanted to walk down to Waterloo Bridge, but I am on duty in the hall tonight and cannot leave the building. Imagine my delight when I looked up from my computer and saw that the sunset had come to me — as seen from my bedroom window. Perfection.

28 April, 2008 | Comments

Just received and excerpted below for your reading pleasure. This is a ‘welcome back’ message for students returning from the month-long spring break. PhD students didn’t get a spring break, so this is really for those lazy undergrads and master’s students (ha!):

We hope you are all well-rested and as happy as any student can be with the prospect of exams looming…

We would also like to remind you to continue to be vigilant and take care of yourself when in the locality off-campus. There have been a number of incidents reported to us involving one particular group of local youths whose general anti-social behaviour includes harassing students…

Once exams are over, we are sure you will have a seriously good time, but may we draw your attention to the guidelines for responsible partying to make sure your well-earned relaxation doesn’t cause any additional local tension…

So very British.

27 April, 2008 | 3 Comments

Do you have an account on LibraryThing? It’s a website for literary nerds where you can catalog all your books, then compare your library to those of your friends and other users, rate books, write reviews, etc. I’ve used LibraryThing to catalog my books, but I rarely use the other features. [See selections from my library floating over there in the left sidebar.] LibraryThing isn’t really designed in a great way. It’s nothing compared to a website like Flickr, for example, but I think it’s a work-in-progress. They should hire me to retool it. I’d make it much better.

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26 April, 2008 | 11 Comments

Jason Shinder was a poet who taught at Bennington College, where I did my MFA in creative writing. I didn’t study with him since I’m not a poet, but he was a really sweet and talented guy. One of my fondest memories of graduation from Bennington was when Jason, who was the faculty member chosen to read our names out as we came up to get our diplomas, actually pronounced my name correctly. No one ever says my name correctly at events like these, but he was intent on getting it right. I was so happy that I gave him a hug right there on the stage. For some reason, I’ll always remember that.

Too many people from Bennington have died. It’s really difficult to even comprehend. I wish Jason’s family and friends all the best during this difficult time.

Click through to read one of Jason’s poems:

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24 April, 2008 | 9 Comments

2:14 - Arrive at cash machine, withdraw £50 ($100).

2:22 - Arrive at administrative offices of university, register and pay £20 fee ($40), the cheap-o student rate, for upcoming conference. Have £30 left in wallet.

2:37 - Arrive at Ryman stationery shop, ask to see ink cartridges for Epson printer that I hate (all four cartridges are empty…of course). Shop assistant hands over pack of cartridges, costing £27.99 ($60). Nearly have coronary. Waver between a) not buying ink; and b) purchasing ink for printer that has been empty for three months. Decide this moment will never be less painful, so bite bullet and purchase ink (while being grateful not in possession of actual bullet).

2:41 - Have spent £47.99 in less than one hour. Feel depressed. Have £2.01 in wallet.

2:42 - Walk home and mentally berate self for ink purchase. Feel despondent over empty wallet.

3:02 - Arrive home. Resist urge to give printer the finger, since completely juvenile. (Ah, what the hell.)

3:10 - Eat melon.

3:50 - Begin to write blog post, apologizing to readers for annoying writing style. Am reading Bridget Jones’s Diary, you see. Must read for PhD dissertation. Would never read by choice. Confession: Have read before by choice, when 24 years old. Liked book then, hate book now. Am completely horrified by misogyny in book. More soon, when finished reading.

weight = none of your business; alcohol units = 0; cigarettes = 0;

calories = don’t care; emotional fuckwits = way too many.

22 April, 2008 | 2 Comments

At last, the warm spring day I’ve been waiting for:

In the gardens of Victoria Embankment…

21 April, 2008 | 3 Comments

In March, I wrote about a former grad school classmate of mine, Bill Ayers, and his connection to Barack Obama. My post gets tons of Google hits each day. Ayers was a leader of the terrorist group known as the Weather Underground. Apparently, Obama’s connection to him got a prominent mention in the recent debate with Clinton in Pennsylvania. Now New Yorker writer George Packer has weighed in on the NY’er blog. Packer was an instructor at Bennington College at the same time Ayers and I were students there. Given this connection, Packer’s musings are particularly interesting to me.

21 April, 2008 | 5 Comments

Don’t you just love this photo of Hillary Clinton currently displayed very prominently on the homepage of the Times:

I can just imagine them publishing such a photo of Obama or McCain. When Hell freezes over. This may seem like something silly, but it’s not. As someone who has worked as a photo editor and seen her fair share of contact sheets, I know for certain that a rather large percentage of photos from any shoot or spontaneous news event will look unflattering or weird like the one above. Such photos are usually always deleted, not placed on the homepage of a “reputable” newspaper like the Times. But then, Hillary Clinton is not always afforded the same respect that her male colleagues receive. For shame.

Good luck tomorrow, Hill!

19 April, 2008 | 6 Comments

I have the blogging blahs. Sorry y’all. Here’s my week in a nutshell: Attending a seminar at the London Book Fair; starting three or four novels and not finishing reading them, leaving them open on my nightstand in a big pile; buying books I can’t afford; staring at my laptop screen for hours each day and waiting for a brilliant idea to help me fix this mess of a chapter (still waiting); feeling a lot of angst about my failure to finish this chapter; having an emergency meeting with my PhD supervisor; worrying about a looming PhD deadline; feeling demoralized about all the work I have to do on my novel; feeling depressed because the subject of my book is so dark and bleak and it’s starting to screw with my head; playing board games; having a Jason Bourne movie marathon that lasted for over six hours; drinking tea in cafés with friends; taking long walks; considering buying a Eurostar ticket to Paris for this weekend, but then deciding against it; forgetting to do my American taxes; eating too much chocolate.

What I really want to know is when spring will arrive. It feels like the dead of winter outside. I don’t mean to complain, but I *need* a nice spring day with sunshine and warmth. How long has it been since we’ve had a day like that — six months? That’s too long. It’s not healthy. Today an American friend told me if she lived here, she’d need to take anti-depressants. London is indeed a very dark place for at least half the year. We’ve earned the right to have spring, dammit. Where is it? If spring would come I could finish my chapter. I’d feel energized. I just know it!

16 April, 2008 | 1 Comment

</patriarchy>

hat tip

14 April, 2008 | 4 Comments

This video on YouTube is a must-see (particularly the first half).  It’s a really chilling look at the vile, misogynist mainstream media attacks against Hillary Clinton.  Just a warning for Hillary supporters: It’s very demoralizing.  The sexism we’ve seen in response to Hillary Clinton’s run for the presidency represents a disgraceful chapter in American history.  Sadly, it’s not just from right-wingers but also from so-called “liberals” and from Obama supporters.  I recently had an Obama supporter tell me Hillary would lose this nomination “because she is a bitch.”  At this point, I have no plans whatsoever to support Obama if he wins the nomination.  I obviously won’t be voting for McCain either.  Perhaps I just won’t vote.

14 April, 2008 | 7 Comments

Today I saw the acclaimed Coen brothers film at the cinema. I know, I’m behind the times. Here is my review:

Good flippin’ grief.

I think that about covers it. I mean, come on. What the heck was that all about? While I admire the skills of the actors and filmmakers, I think it was a deeply flawed film overall. More specifically, it featured a deeply flawed narrative. Actually, I would describe it as an anti-narrative. This review from the Washington Post is one of the only negative reviews out there (and I think it’s right on). I don’t understand the universal acclaim for this film at all. I could write more about it, but the whole experience has drained me and I’d just rather forget about it. One thing is for sure — tonight I will have nightmares about this face (and haircut):

Oy vey.

13 April, 2008 | 2 Comments

One year ago today, I left Paris and returned to London. It was such a happy day for me. It’s difficult to believe it’s been a whole year. There have been many ups and downs over the past twelve months (there always are where I’m concerned), but as I look back, only two things matter:

1) When I left Paris I had a set of goals I wanted to achieve when I returned to London. I’m happy to report that I have achieved every single one of them.

2) While there are things I want to change about my life, I feel as if I am now heading in the right direction. That’s something.

Over the past year I’ve really wanted to try the Hummingbird Bakery, which is renowned for its American-style cupcakes. Yesterday I finally made it! I just happened to be in South Kensington and there it was. After all, you can’t have an anniversary without cake:

[That cupcake on the right is a "nutella cupcake" with three hazelnuts on top. Yum-o.]

I would go on with more anniversary-related bliss and reminiscing, but I am working on a particularly difficult chapter of my novel today.  It’s quite emotionally wrenching to write.  Perhaps this is not the best way to celebrate an important anniversary, but then I must meet my next goal: finishing this damn book!

10 April, 2008 | 1 Comment

I’ve made a goal to finish my book by September. This will then give me a year to revise it and to write the critical material that needs to accompany it for my PhD. I am anxious to finish this book since it has been a part of my life for so long. But also, writing this book is a struggle and I will be glad to put it behind me. It deals with many difficult themes, some of which are very personal to me and very painful to think about. Other themes in the book, while perhaps not related to me personally, are still dark and depressing. I’ve often suspected that part of my resistance to this project over the years has been due to the fact that the subject matter is not pleasant and I simply don’t want to think about it. Given this, you can imagine what writing full-time and thinking about these themes all day is like for me on an emotional level.

I can only explain it like this: Imagine some painful memories from your past, things that cause you a great deal of pain, things you’d rather not think about because it’s too horrible. Now imagine dwelling on these issues intensely for five to six hours each day. Not only that, but even when you aren’t specifically thinking about them, they are always at the back of your mind. Any psychologist would tell you that this is not a healthy way to live. In fact, it’s probably a sure-fire recipe for going completely batty. Now I understand why so many writers go crazy.

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9 April, 2008 | 8 Comments

Courtesy of my mom:

“I know there are some guys out there who are nice and considerate and not gay. You just have to find them.”

6 April, 2008 | 4 Comments

I went to the National Portrait Gallery recently to see the exhibit on the celebrated 18th-century Bluestocking Circle, “a group of celebrated women writers, artists and thinkers who…were not just brilliant, they were exceptional, both for their individual accomplishments and for breaking the boundaries of what women could be expected to undertake or achieve.”

I’m fascinated by the Bluestockings. The exhibit, while quite small, is very educational and worth seeing (and has free admission). There’s a companion book that I’m tempted to go back and buy.

I aspire to be a Bluestocking myself, at least in spirit. Only this morning I said to the men with whom I was eating breakfast here in the hall: “I’m a sophisticated woman of letters who’s been stuck here all year with you jerk offs!” Brilliant women are never appreciated in their own time…

4 April, 2008 | 1 Comment

You know I quit my teaching job so I could write full-time. Well, I’m pleased to report that I am actually writing — and for hours each day. No one is more surprised at this turn of events than me. I worried that I would stare at the computer screen all day and have a complete breakdown (and admit it — you probably thought that would happen to me too). But no, so far I am kicking ass.

This writing full-time thingy is interesting. It certainly changes the writing process and my relationship to it. I am a very undisciplined writer and normally I would only write when I was “in the mood.” There are benefits to doing this — when you’re “in the mood” or “feeling inspired,” writing can be great fun, even exhilarating. Writing each day regardless of what mood you’re in is not great fun — it’s hard work. I spent most of yesterday working on two long paragraphs (about one page). It was a frustrating process and it gave me a headache and there were times when I thought I was going to die (perhaps by my own hand), but I kept working at it and by the end of the day I had something that’s pretty good. I used to feel that my best, most inspired work was the result of a visit by the muse, but now I think I can get the same results by just rolling up my sleeves and putting in the hours, even if it’s a painful process. This is a big realization for me. Now I understand why my supervisor suggested that writing full-time would boost my confidence. Perhaps as a full-time writer, I won’t be held hostage to the extreme ups and downs I experienced before. I’ll have more of a routine and this will be more like a job. I think the confidence will come from feeling that I have some control over this process.

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1 April, 2008 | 2 Comments

The weather here has been pretty lousy for weeks on end — rain, wind, cold and dreariness. Today I walked through some of the gardens along the Thames and saw that many of the spring flowers are permanently frozen in a pose of wind-whipped submission. There was no wind when I took this photo, but the damage is done:

Today there was sunshine, but we’ve yet to have a really lovely spring day.