10 April, 2008 | Leave a Comment
I’ve made a goal to finish my book by September. This will then give me a year to revise it and to write the critical material that needs to accompany it for my PhD. I am anxious to finish this book since it has been a part of my life for so long. But also, writing this book is a struggle and I will be glad to put it behind me. It deals with many difficult themes, some of which are very personal to me and very painful to think about. Other themes in the book, while perhaps not related to me personally, are still dark and depressing. I’ve often suspected that part of my resistance to this project over the years has been due to the fact that the subject matter is not pleasant and I simply don’t want to think about it. Given this, you can imagine what writing full-time and thinking about these themes all day is like for me on an emotional level.
I can only explain it like this: Imagine some painful memories from your past, things that cause you a great deal of pain, things you’d rather not think about because it’s too horrible. Now imagine dwelling on these issues intensely for five to six hours each day. Not only that, but even when you aren’t specifically thinking about them, they are always at the back of your mind. Any psychologist would tell you that this is not a healthy way to live. In fact, it’s probably a sure-fire recipe for going completely batty. Now I understand why so many writers go crazy.
Before Heath Ledger died in January, he explained to a reporter from The New York Times that playing the Joker role in the upcoming Batman movie took a toll on his health. The Joker is a psychotic mass murderer and inhabiting that character for months on end made it impossible for Ledger to sleep. He developed a dependence on sleeping pills, which of course contributed to his death. I can totally understand how playing a role like this could torture an actor, particularly one who was already depressed and relying on prescription drugs. Being an actor is like being a writer in that both the writer and actor must become another person on some level. For a writer, you must first create your character and then mentally inhabit her to figure out why she does what she does, why she thinks what she thinks, what motivates her. That’s what I’m doing with my character every day.
Luckily, nothing in my book is as psycho and twisted as the Joker character, but it’s still very difficult. As I’ve grown older, I’ve become more emotionally delicate (much to my chagrin). When I was younger I was made of much tougher stuff. So now that I’m writing this book full-time, now that I’m completely immersed in this project, I’m starting to worry about how it might affect me on an emotional level. There’s no question that it will affect me — it already has. It is simply not healthy to live this way, to dwell on these issues day after day. Writing is very isolating too and there can be no other way; you must do it alone. For all these reasons, I want to finish writing in the next six months if I can. The writing phase of a book is very intense. I don’t want this intensity to go on for too long.
You might be wondering why I want to put myself through this torture at all (and sometimes it is quite torturous). All I can say is that I have to write this book. I’ll never be able to write anything else until I write this — believe me, I’ve tried. It’s a story I need to tell. Still, it is my choice and ultimately, I am the one who must live with the consequences, both good and bad. I live with them each day. There can be a cathartic aspect to writing, to be sure, but I am not one of those writers who believes writing should be used as therapy. If you want to write as therapy, keep a journal (or write a blog!). Literature — art — is about something bigger than the writer. I think it is worth the struggle to put the story I want to tell on the page, even if it costs me something dear. Nothing worth doing is easy. Some people might say I shouldn’t complain — after all, writing a depressing novel is not as bad as fighting in Iraq or working in a Gap sweatshop. True. But I’m not complaining. And writing is work. It’s also worth doing and it’s important, whether some people see it that way or not.
Now I’m trying to figure out the best way to protect myself during the writing phase. As it is, I go for a long walk (about two hours) each afternoon through the streets of London. I must do this to clear my head (though even when I’m walking I’m thinking of my character). I think it’s also important to surround myself with nurturing people (if I can find any — ha!). When I’m not writing, I try not to live too much inside my head, but that is always difficult for me. Going to the cinema and to the theatre helps tremendously, and I will do that to the extent that I can afford it. I should also get my camera out — it’s been too long since I’ve taken any pictures. Beyond this, I’m not sure what else to do. Perhaps I just have to embrace the fact that it’s a difficult process and that one day soon it’ll be over.
Anglofille said @ 10:12 pm | literary |
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Anita Says:
April 12th, 2008 at 1:29 amThrow away The Invisible Man and American Psycho and you’ll feel much better about the writing process.
