8 June, 2008 | Leave a Comment

My reading on Friday went swimmingly. I was so nervous though — I thought I was going to hyperventilate in front of everyone. My friends and my advisor said they couldn’t tell I was nervous at all. I hope they weren’t lying.

It was a packed room — the head of the department was there and lots of faculty, plus students. Part of my novel deals with teenage girls, so in the chapter I read there was discussion of boob size and stuff like that. Reading this in front of all these people was a bit embarrassing, to be honest.

The good news is that I got tons of great feedback afterwards. My friend said the whole audience was rapt, listening to my every word. People seemed genuinely interested and wanted to know what happened in the next chapter. Also, I got more positive feedback on the academic writing I submitted on Fight Club — I heard at the reception on Friday night that the faculty had been talking about it! I’m very self-conscious about my academic writing, so this kind of response is important. It lets me know I’m on the right track and that I’m not just a fiction writer, but an academic writer too.

I talked with my advisor about whether he thinks I should try to get an agent. A few people have been encouraging me to take this step, but my advisor thinks I should wait until I’ve finished the book. He said an agent would likely take me on now after reading the chapters I have completed, but if they sold the book that would put a tremendous amount of pressure on me to finish quickly. The publisher could also try to interfere and shape the novel in a way that would be detrimental to the writing process. So I am going to wait to find an agent. My advisor said he will get his agent to read my book when I’m done and I’ve had other recommendations too. I think the most important thing now is to focus on finishing the writing.

The past few days have been very stressful, but overall a worthwhile experience. Writing is such a lonely and isolating endeavor that it’s vital to have the opportunity to share your work with others once in a while. You leave your little cave and wander out into the spotlight. It’s scary, but fun.

So now the academic term is finished. In theory, this doesn’t really matter for PhD students, since we go 12 months a year, but it definitely feels as if the year has ended. Between now and September, I will work mostly on my own, without much supervision. Though the year ended on a high point, the truth is I could have accomplished much more this year. I had a creative spurt last autumn, then months of crippling writer’s block and procrastination. it was only when I quit my job in March and became a full-time student and writer that I began to make real progress. It was only then that I really began to take my work seriously. So I’ve learned a lot of lessons this year and I’ve wasted a lot of time. After the experiences of this past week I know that I can write a publishable novel and that I can produce a PhD thesis that will pass. While I’ve always felt confident in my ability to publish my novel (if I can ever complete it!), I haven’t until now felt in my heart that I can pass this PhD. I think I’ve often felt like a fraud, like an impostor, like I have no business trying to obtain this degree. I don’t feel this way anymore. I stood up and had my work judged. I am good enough. I have something valuable to contribute. It’s a relief to know this.

Now before I do anything else, I am going on a two-week holiday! I am so excited, despite the fact that I will be getting some dental work done while I’m gone. I leave tomorrow and I am taking my laptop along with me (which I hope I don’t regret), so I should be in touch. Summer, for me, has begun at last.

1. Comments RSS | TrackBack URI

1. s. Says:

   June 9th, 2008 at 11:17 am

   A vacation well deserved! Thank you for sharing your great news! Enjoy!

2. Silvana Says:

   June 9th, 2008 at 11:22 pm

   Congratulations on your latest academic achievement! Now go have fun, relax, and enjoy a nice holiday break. Eat, sleep, walk, take pictures, and drink a little…or a lot

Name (required)

Mail (will not be published) (required)

Website