10 July, 2009 | Leave a Comment
I need some help from the evil minded amongst you (and I know you’re out there). In my novel, there are quite a few murders. This is just a subplot, but it runs through most of the book. I don’t normally spend much time thinking about murder, which is too bad, because I’ve got to kill off several more characters and I’m stumped for ideas. So far in my book I’ve had two people shot in the head, one person killed by a car bombing, and 12 people pushed out of a plane at 13,000 feet. Ho hum. The murders I’ve created so far aren’t much more interesting than your garden-variety stabbing. In the book, what’s interesting is the murder victims and why they’ve been chosen, but I can’t share that here. So anyway, if you can think of any interesting ways to dispatch people and send them off to Jesus forever, please let me know. Think of David Fincher’s film Seven. Yeah, like that.
Oh – and don’t worry. Those being killed aren’t really very nice people.
Today starts a 4-day holiday weekend in France, or so I gather – you know I’m on the periphery of society. But anyway, Tuesday is Bastille (rhymes with Lucille!) Day, so I think a lot of people will skip work on Monday and have a nice long weekend of doing whatever the French do on long weekends. I wouldn’t know. I don’t know many French people. The last time I saw my one French female friend she told me I needed a complete make-over, so I haven’t bothered to call her since I’ve been in town. And the very kind French family from whom I rented a chambre de bonne I haven’t called either. They have a giant apartment near the Arc de Triomphe and a big country house. Sigh. But I can’t call them, because the last time I saw them I was asking them to give depositions in my lawsuit against the other landlady. And that whole episode was humiliating and I’m sure they want to forget my existence. [I would if I were them.]
So have fun French peope at your BBQs. Don’t worry about me. I’ll just be home alone, thinking up interesting ways to kill people. I wonder what kind of food is served at French BBQs? Paté with a side of slaw? I guess.
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Caroline Says:
July 10th, 2009 at 10:26 pmHmm.
Tie an evildoer down. Take a blowtorch to the evildoer’s rectum, then force evildoer to eat lots of peaches, prunes and caster oil so he or she will have terrible diarrhea. Make the evildoer loll in his or her fecal matter, which will not only be horribly smelly and humiliating but will permeate and infect the blistered flesh, subjecting evildoer to a slow demise by blood poisoning.
Someone made me very, very angry today. Money and pride are involved.
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That’s not a scenario I ever would have thought of myself. Thank you for the graphic details! See, this is the kind of help I need. Glad it wasn’t me that made you angry.
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Jan Says:
July 11th, 2009 at 12:57 amMaybe they could have their heads smashed with a microwave? Poisoned? Strangled? Run over by cars? Pushed under the subway in a crowd (underground train, that is), beaten to a pulp and drowned in the bath, have throats slit with a surgical instrument, shot in the head in the middle of nowhere (or tied to a tree in the m of n), suffocated with a pillow while they’re asleep. Gee, even the Daily Mail is pretty johnny-one-note on the whole subject of killings.
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Jan Says:
July 11th, 2009 at 1:00 amSwine flu? or some biological weapon?
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Jan Says:
July 11th, 2009 at 1:03 amRat poison. Very painful. I would be most freaked reading about someone locked somewhere with cane toads or snakes, but that will not get you far
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william Says:
July 11th, 2009 at 4:22 pm“12 people pushed out of a plane at 13,000 feet”
Yikes!!! What kind of novel are you writing?
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Jan: Hmmm, smashing someone’s head with a microwave. What made you choose this particular household appliance? Is it loaded with symbolism?
W: The world is better off without these twelve men – trust me! As for what kind of novel I’m writing…I was going to ask you to read it for me this autumn! Then you’ll get to see for yourself. However, I have a feeling that you’d be horrified by some of it.
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Jan Says:
July 11th, 2009 at 5:35 pmI know! Honey trap! They could be seduced and invited to take part in some SM orgy which, errr…, slips out of control. Am I a writer yet?
That was an odd one. In Desperate Housewives one character is killed with a blender, and I know a Polish novel ( a v good one) where one of the characters commits suicide by sticking his head in a microwave. (Microwave is broken and nukes even when opened).
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Any household gadget can make for a fun death. Swords, spears or anything that can puncture is also a good way.
A nice twist is to use something that they value or ID with to ‘do the deed’. This way it is tied into their personality.
Water deaths like boats/lake/pools?
Funny but morbid is also when they avoid the death and then die from something simple. Ex.. avoiding a bullet but then tripping down the stairs
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Jan: Speaking of novels, maybe I should channel Coetzee for this…
Lisa: Any household gadget can make for a fun death. Ha! It could also have feminist overtones, like killing someone by bashing them over the head with a sewing machine or an iron! Cool.
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Caroline Says:
July 11th, 2009 at 11:22 pmFor a woman, a toxic tampon.
For a man, a poison suppository. You could give it a name. Marlene Dietrich used to say Lorenzo Lamas was the most boring stupid man she had ever met and called a sporific suppository “Lorenzo Lamas.”. You could call a poison suppository “Mara Carfagna” or Simon Cowell.”
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Weren’t people afraid that a female suicide bomber would use a tampon as a bomb? I seem to remember something like that. That’s worth looking up!
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Ken Says:
July 15th, 2009 at 10:51 pmCaroline: A blowtorch to the rectum!? Poison suppositories? What a different side of you.
Anglofille: If your character is to all appearances a legit figure, respected in the community, but nevertheless in deep with the mob: Snatch him one night, take him to the dump located in a town with a notoriously pliable police force, and slash his carotid artery with a putty knife and have the cops call it a suicide.
A famous real life crime. The suicide label stuck.
