On Thursday and Friday, I suffered the worst physical pain I have ever felt in my entire life. I was suffering from an ailment that we all get from time to time and which is not normally a big deal, but for some reason my little situation turned extreme. [I won't share any further details, because, you know, TMI, but it wasn't a "female" thing - just a "human" thing.]
Oh. My. God. I have never given birth, but the pain I felt had to be equal to that. It was literally excruciating. I’m talking about the kind of pain that makes you scream involuntarily. It wasn’t constant pain, but came and went. When it hit, I had to psyche myself up and muster every ounce of willpower and energy I could just to survive without blacking out. I never thought I could withstand that level of pain. Last year I suffered from sciatica – that was a walk in the park compared to this. I’m not a wimp, either. I’ve had surgeries and a whole host of problems in my life. I had double pneumonia once, which was the worst misery I have ever felt, but it didn’t cause pain. What happened yesterday was sheer, pure pain. Unfortunately, given the nature of the problem, the only type of pain killer that would work would be something like anesthesia from a doctor.
I did call NHS Direct yesterday and spoke to a nurse, which was helpful. There really isn’t much doctors can do for you unless the situation lingers on for a long time, so I was stuck caring for myself at home, though the Boots pharmacist did give me something that ultimately ended the problem. As of today I am okay, but if this problem hadn’t gone away last night, I would have been at the ER this morning, begging them to just to knock me out. I’m so relieved it didn’t come to that.
It’s that time again – I must dust off the academic portion of my dissertation and begin working on it again. Chapter 1: Fight Club. You all know I love Fight Club. It’s a brilliant indictment of capitalist-patriarchy and the damage it does to men. That’s not the dominant interpretation of the film, but that’s how I read it. All of the issues in Fight Club are relevant to women as well, even if on the surface it’s very ‘male.’ Anyway, the next month will be spent writing the novel and finishing this chapter on Fight Club. How I’m going to do all of this work on top of teaching remains to be seen.
Perhaps in related news, my novel is becoming increasingly violent. It’s always had shootings and bombings, but you can distance yourself while writing about that kind of violence. Now I have beatings and torture, which is very up-close-and-personal. At first I found it difficult to write about such things because I was disturbed that these ideas and images existed in my mind, but now I sort of enjoy it. The people being beaten and tortured are really vile, so they deserve what they get (think Tarantino’s ‘Inglourious Basterds’). Because of that, it’s sort of cathartic. I’m not sure how I’ll reconcile the feminist ideals of my novel with the violence, except to say: Why should women have to play nice? It certainly hasn’t gotten us very far.
What the U.S. Supreme Court did this week is a horror beyond words. It’s absolutely outrageous that these vile, evil Supreme Court justices, who are not elected and are accountable to no one, can wield this much power and with the stroke of a pen, destroy what little American “democracy” we have left. Abolishing the Supreme Court should be seriously considered. I don’t know what it can be replaced with, but there has to be a better way. Not only do the Supreme Court justices wield god-like power (despite the fact that most of them do not possess an impressive level of intellect), but every presidential election is held hostage by the issue of appointments. If there is a movement afoot to abolish the Supreme Court, someone please let me know so I can join.
I was just reading an article in the Telegraph called Air France to charge obese passengers for two seats. I was reading the comments for this article when one of them made me burst out laughing. From someone called ‘Airline Executive’:
The extra revenue generated from the additional seat purchases should go to a special fund.
This fund could be used to eventually dispose of the larger passengers all together.
France established close ties with Germany in world war II and Germany has shown great success in similar situations.
Maybe they could be helpful in developing a plan for this.
On Tuesday night I was going home on a double-decker bus from Bloomsbury. The bus was speeding down Kingsway when all of a sudden the driver slammed on the brakes; this was followed by loud, multiple thuds as the bus crashed into something. As often happens in the midst of an accident, time seemed to slow down; even though it all happened relatively quickly, it felt as if it were happening in slow motion and a million thoughts ran through my mind: Is the bus going to flip over? Are we plowing into a bunch of cars? Have we run off the road? I was facing the back of the bus, so I had no idea what was happening.
Once the bus came to a halt, it was clear that we had hit a pedestrian. People were screaming. In all the confusion, the bus driver opened the doors, the guy we hit stumbled onto the bus, then collapsed and lost consciousness. People were shouting that an ambulance needed to be called and multiple people called the emergency services. A student nurse was on the bus and was examining the guy where he was at the foot of the stairs, totally motionless. He looked dead. She said he had a pulse and was breathing, but that his eyes were fixed in space. She thought he had a serious spinal injury. She lifted up his shirt and we could see the wounds from where the bus had hit him.
I was really stunned and along with the other passengers, got off the bus and stood on the pavement. All of Kingsway was backed up behind us, since no one could get by. If you’re familiar with Kingsway (near the London School of Economics), then you know it’s not possible for a pedestrian to cross the street; between the northbound and southbound lanes, there are iron gates and a steep drop down into a tunnel. So the guy we hit should not, under any circumstances, have been in the street. This is why cars and buses speed down Kingsway and what makes it so dangerous.
As we stood near the bus, we all thought the guy was on the verge of death (or possibly already dead). About 5 to 10 minutes later the paramedics arrived. As they stepped onto the bus, something completely bizarre happened. The victim leapt to his feet and ran to the back doors of the bus, where he manually opened them (which takes a bit of strength). The crowd gasped in shock. A minute before he seemed dead, now he was on his feet and ripping the doors open. He jumped off the bus and was acting crazed; he ripped off his jacket and threw it in a rubbish bin, then began to run down the street. I cannot tell you how surreal this was. A woman who had been on the sidewalk and witnessed the accident said the bus had slammed into him hard and that it was unbelievable he could even stand up, let alone run. At the end of the block, he collapsed. The police and medics ran to him and as they were examining him, he jumped up and attacked them in an extremely violent way; it took 5 or 6 people to restrain him. He was screaming like a madman; I don’t know what he was saying, but it sounded really scary echoing into the night, especially given that it seemed he had just come back from the dead. He sounded demonic. A police officer walked by and said the guy was “off his tits” on some illegal drug – I can’t remember the name.
It seemed to me and everyone else that this guy had to have suffered major internal injuries when the bus hit him. Even with powerful narcotics in his system, I don’t understand how he could have gotten up, especially because he had lost consciousness before. He probably hurt his chances for survival by running around like that, particularly if he had a spinal injury. I don’t know if he survived or not, or what his fate will be. In London, it’s very difficult to get local news of this kind, so I may never know.
Our bus driver went into shock and had to be wrapped in a blanket. The police didn’t take witness statements or anything, which I thought was odd. As soon as it became clear the guy was a druggie, the mood of the crowd changed somewhat. There was less sympathy; the police and medics were very hardened with him – I’m sure they must deal with people like this everyday and it’s exhausting and a drain on the system. [I'm sure being attacked doesn't help their mood.]
This area of London is extremely dangerous for pedestrians. About three years ago, I stumbled upon the aftermath of a horrific accident at Holborn, where a double-decker bus had lost control, driven up onto the pavement, hit a woman and dragged her under the bus. Of course she died. If you have occasion to travel through this area (Southampton Row/Holborn/Kingsway), be super careful. And if you ride a bike through this area, you’re insane.
This incident left me feeling quite shaken and I ended up walking home afterwards, the sound of the thuds when we hit the guy ringing in my ears. It’s scary to be sitting on a bus reading Henry James one instant, and then the next a person is violently injured and perhaps even killed right in front of you. My sense of safety is still shaken by it and I haven’t been back on a bus yet; when I’m waiting to cross the street and a bus or a big truck races by, I feel my stomach clench. Accidents like this can happen anywhere, but city life just seems to be pretty brutal sometimes. Life and death in the cold, dark streets.
This week marks the first anniversary of Barack Obama’s presidency. Last night I read this post at Black Agenda Report about “Progressives for Obama” having to change their name, since Obama – or is it Obomba – isn’t the least bit progressive. I would like to highlight some of this post, since it’s relevant to Obama’s first anniversary:
The organization formerly known as “Progressives for Obama” has changed its name. After almost a year of President Obama’s massive transfers of the people’s wealth to Wall Street, his escalation of U.S. wars in South Asia, his shameless alliance with insurance and drug corporations, and his callous disregard for Depression-level Black unemployment, even the president’s most loyal sycophants on the Left are running for cover. It’s not a pretty sight.
“Progressives for Obama” are now calling themselves “Progressive America Rising.” Two of the founding members, Bill Fletcher and Tom Hayden, are making uncharacteristically loud anti-Obama noises and acting as if they played no role in convincing Obama that he could make war and serve corporate interests to his heart’s content, without fear of any trouble from the Left. They had his back.
The left-wing Obamites were the nastiest of all. They viciously libeled anyone that advanced a Left critique of their hero, calling them enemies of a new “people’s movement,” when in fact it was they who were shutting the movement down in favor of a fan club and cheering section for Obama…Bill Fletcher and Tom Hayden stuck with Obama like little sorcerer’s apprentices as the president methodically savaged virtually every item on the progressive agenda. What else could they do? To break with Obama would amount to an admission that they were wrong about the progressive “potential” of their candidate; that he had always been a thoroughly corporate politician who would lurch to the Right as soon as he took office; and that, by failing to criticize Obama early in the campaign, they were guaranteeing that he would disrespect and ignore Blacks and progressives, once in office.
“The left-wing Obamites were the nastiest of all.” This resonates with me, since I experienced it first-hand during the campaign. What bothers me the most is that so many of Obama’s most strident supporters, particularly in the blogosphere, are virtually silent about Obama now. They don’t even mention him. I received so many lectures during the campaign from self-righteous people claiming that they refused to vote for Hillary because she was in favor of the war in Iraq. Well, to those people: How’s your “anti-war” vote for Obomba working out for you now? I hear nothing but silence on this issue. I wish you would take ownership of your behavior during the campaign and have the guts to admit you were wrong. Not only is Obama pro-war and in bed with corporate America, he’s turned his back on women’s rights, but Obama’s mainstream liberal feminist cheerleaders are largely silent on this matter. “Stop Stupak!” is a familiar refrain, as if Stupak came from outer space and not from a Democratically controlled White House and Congress.
Barack Obama mania was really just a successful advertising campaign. There was a product – Obama – and people were whipped into a frenzy over him. Now, not surprisingly, they’ve lost interest. Obama mania was a fad and an opportunity for people to feel smug and pat themselves on the back – it wasn’t about real change. No candidate in favor of real change would have gotten anywhere near the reins of power.
Would Hillary Clinton have done any better than Obama? No, she wouldn’t have. She would have sold out just like him. The reason I was upset during the campaign was not because Obama supporters were attacking Hillary – it was because they were being dishonest about Obama and just being dishonest, period. And they still don’t have the courage to admit it. [And of course, the rampant misogyny, a lot of it coming from the Left, disgusted me the most.]
As for me, I can’t imagine ever voting Democrat again. In order for things to change, we must address the root problems. Placing Democrats and Republicans into office will never result in change. Never. I have also broken off from mainstream liberal feminism and have embraced more radical feminist ideas as a result of this whole Obama experience. “Radical” is from the Latin for “root.” It means going to the “root” of the problem and overthrowing systems of power that oppress people. This cannot be done within the status quo of Washington politics. Without radical reform, change will never happen. If more of us have learned this lesson as a result of Obama’s campaign and election and presidency, then at least something good has come out of this very ugly time in American politics.
Before making a donation to the efforts in Haiti, I wanted to do a bit of research. I don’t simply want to donate money to make myself feel all nice and charitable – I want my money to actually help people. The American Institute of Philanthropy has released their list of the top-ranked charities working in Haiti. The charities on the list have all received an A grade and meet the following criteria:
1) A charity should spend at least 75% of its budget on program services.
2) Charities should spend no more than $25 to raise $100.
This is important to me. I avoid charities that spend too much money on admin (and many of them do). I ended up choosing the International Rescue Committee, which is rated A+. This organization appealed to me, but I’m sure that any of the organizations on the list are worthy of your donation.
Today is Human Trafficking Awareness Day. Those of you who read this blog know that this topic is very dear to me. The primary victims of trafficking are women and children. This is a form of modern-day slavery that is occurring all around us, whether we choose to see it or not.
Please watch this short film called The Journey, produced by Richard Jobson and Emma Thompson. [Warning: This video contains sexual and violent imagery that is disturbing.] In an unforgettable way, The Journey shows how women, such as from Eastern Europe, are trafficked into the UK to work as sex slaves in brothels, where they are repeatedly raped each day by “customers.” This is happening across Europe and North America – right in our own backyards. It cannot be ignored.
While I focus primarily on sex trafficking in my writing and activism, trafficking manifests itself in many other ways, from children being forced into domestic servitude to adults working in a variety of industries as virtual slaves. Trafficking happens both domestically and internationally. There is no need to cross int’l borders – a person can be trafficked in her own country, such as into the commercial sex industry or to work in a sweat shop. Change.org offers a wealth of information on all forms of trafficking, including these ten videos to watch online right now.
Learning about trafficking can make one feel completely hopeless, but even just a small donation or volunteer work with an organization can make a difference.
Here are links to other organizations that work on this issue, but this is just a small sampling. Please feel free to share more links in the comments if you have them:
I bought a new day planner today (what the Brits call a ‘diary’). Yes, I use an old-fashioned paper one.
I was writing a few dates and things in it just a moment ago. I flipped to December 2010 and then exclaimed “Oops!” and quickly slammed the book shut. Why? Because I didn’t want to know how the year ends.
OMG, I am insane.
In other date-related yet less worrisome news, it’s January, the most craptastic month of the year. As of Sunday, we’re in the double digits but will still have three more weeks to go. It’s a long sucker. So far in 2010 I have been most unproductive. I’m not writing, I’m way behind and I don’t even care. This may be because I have drastically reduced my sugar consumption. I am cooking and eating healthily, all good things, but a writer needs vice in her life. My vice was sugar and now that’s gone. It’s no surprise that without a constant sugar buzz, the writing has dried up. If this writing drought keeps up past the weekend, I may need to go out and buy a bottle of Sprite. I hope it doesn’t come to that.
I guess you can throw anything up on the side of a bus nowadays [via the Guardian].
The blatantly anti-woman agenda of the mass media never ceases to amaze me. I think the British media operates in a much more overtly sexist and hostile way towards women. I’ve been living here for nearly 4.5 years now and despite the internet, I’m not exposed to as much American media as I am to British media, but it seems to me the sexism of the American media operates in a different way. Sexism is sexism, of course, and however it works doesn’t make it less offensive and harmful. I’m willing to concede that I may be wrong about the media differences, but what I can say for certain is that I feel “assaulted” by the media as a woman here in a very real way. And at least in London, there is also pornography everywhere – in telephone booths, in mainstream shops that sell newspapers and magazines and sadly, even in the newspapers themselves. You simply cannot escape it. I believe it is a form of sexual harassment against every woman who lives in this city and a human rights issue. (I’ll have a more detailed post on this coming up.)
I’ve already written about how, in London, I’ve experienced much more street harassment and abuse from male strangers – my experiences living in New York City, Boston and Paris combined do not match it. I can’t help but think that all of these issues are related.
One of the big news stories of the day is the announcement that travelers from 14 mostly Muslim countries will be facing additional screening measures before they board planes to the U.S. I suppose Obama is responding to criticism that he’s soft on terrorism. The countries targeted include Nigeria, Yemen, Afghanistan, Algeria, Iraq, Lebanon, Libya, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Somalia, Iran, Sudan, Syria and Cuba. Cuba?
The country I don’t see on this list is the UK. Most of the major airplane bomb attempts since 9/11 have involved British citizens. Richard Reid, the “shoe bomber,” is British. The liquid bomb plotters of 2006, who planned to blow up 7 airliners heading to North America, were British. The guy who tried to blow up the plane on Christmas Day is Nigerian, but by all accounts seemed to have been radicalized when he was studying at University College London, where other students have also become radicalized and then committed acts of terrorism. So as for real terrorist threats to American airliners from foreign citizens, the UK seems to be the biggest threat of all. A British passports gets you right into the U.S. without a visa, unlike the other countries on the list, thus making the threat even worse. Thousands of British citizens travel to the U.S. each day. I doubt that many citizens of the 14 countries on the watch list can even afford to leave their own countries.
My point is not that UK citizens should be subjected to extra profiling based on nationality, though I can’t help but wonder what the fall out would be if one of these British-born terrorists is actually successful one day in carrying out a catastrophic attack. My point is that in light of the new measures, it’s important to point out that the immediate threat posed by a small segment of British society is much more serious than the threat posed by Cuba or some of the other countries on the list, making these new security measures ineffective, politically motivated and hypocritical.
I had an upsetting experience on New Year’s Eve, yet another confrontation with a male stranger who was menacing and abusive. I don’t know why this keeps happening.
I was doing laundry around 6:00 p.m. Not a fun task for NYE, but I wanted to wake up to clean laundry on the first day of 2010. I live in a building with hundreds of people, but there are only two washers and two dryers down in the basement, which is a real hassle. I was lucky enough to snag both washers. I timed my wash cycle, but apparently mis-timed it by a minute or so, because when I got down to the laundry room, this guy in his mid-twenties was waiting. As soon as he saw me, he said, “Are those your clothes?” in a very unfriendly way.
I looked at him and said, “Yep.” Nothing more. I don’t engage with rude people.
I opened the washer and as soon as I felt my clothes, I knew the spin cycle hadn’t worked properly, which often happens here. My clothes were dripping with water. So I removed an item of clothing, went to the sink and wrung it out, then threw it in the dryer. I proceeded this way, removing clothes from the washer, wringing them out and then placing them in the dryer. This guy was watching everything I was doing with his arms folded. I explained the spin cycle wasn’t working, that I’d need to wring out my clothes and it would take a few minutes.
At this, the guy went nuts. He said he didn’t have all day, that I had to remove my clothes and put them in the dryer. I said I didn’t want the dryer to be filled with water, that it would only take a minute to wring them out, but he kept ranting and raving. He began to berate me for not being down in the laundry room the second the washers stopped running, behaving as if my crime was as serious as murder. He got right in my face to intimidate me.
Who gets this upset over laundry? As you might imagine, this was scary. I was down in the basement alone with this guy and it was clear to me that he’s a potentially violent person. He was totally flipping out over nothing. He said in a very menacing way, “If you don’t get your clothes out of there, I’m taking them out.”
Happy 2010, my lovelies! Wishing you all a wonderful New Year, filled with champagne wishes and caviar dreams.
I normally enter the New Year full of plans and dreams for the next twelve months, but this January 1st I feel…nervous. The last few years have been fairly predictable. I knew what to expect – writing, teaching, university life, more of the same. But this year is different. I should be excited, since if all goes according to plan, I’ll finish writing my novel this year and obtain my PhD sometime this summer. I am excited, but this is clouded somewhat by the knowledge that to achieve these things, I will need to push myself like never before. I’ll need to produce very high-level artistic and academic work in a relatively short period of time and it’s not for certain that I can pull this off. Because I switched dissertation topics after my first year, I have lost a whole year of the PhD, which puts me at a disadvantage time-wise. I’m feeling the pinch now. What I accomplish over the next three months will likely determine my success overall, so if you’re at all inclined to think happy thoughts for me, please do!
I also don’t know what will happen after the PhD. Opportunities for PhDs in the humanities are scarce in the best of times, but we’re in one of the worst recessions of modern times. There won’t be a job waiting for me, that’s for certain, so then what will I do to make a living? Where will I live? I really have no idea.
So yes, I’m excited to (I hope) achieve two major goals this year, but the reality of life afterwards is weighing on my mind. It’s scary not knowing what I’ll be doing exactly one year from now. I really have no idea what the future holds and that is a scary position to be in.
I guess all any of us know for certain is that 2010 begins today and it’ll unfold one day at a time. We’ll see where it takes us.
Anglofille is an American living in London, finishing up a novel and a PhD, taking photos, and blogging about expat life, books, feminism and perpetual angst.
