3 January, 2010 | Leave a Comment
I had an upsetting experience on New Year’s Eve, yet another confrontation with a male stranger who was menacing and abusive. I don’t know why this keeps happening.
I was doing laundry around 6:00 p.m. Not a fun task for NYE, but I wanted to wake up to clean laundry on the first day of 2010. I live in a building with hundreds of people, but there are only two washers and two dryers down in the basement, which is a real hassle. I was lucky enough to snag both washers. I timed my wash cycle, but apparently mis-timed it by a minute or so, because when I got down to the laundry room, this guy in his mid-twenties was waiting. As soon as he saw me, he said, “Are those your clothes?” in a very unfriendly way.
I looked at him and said, “Yep.” Nothing more. I don’t engage with rude people.
I opened the washer and as soon as I felt my clothes, I knew the spin cycle hadn’t worked properly, which often happens here. My clothes were dripping with water. So I removed an item of clothing, went to the sink and wrung it out, then threw it in the dryer. I proceeded this way, removing clothes from the washer, wringing them out and then placing them in the dryer. This guy was watching everything I was doing with his arms folded. I explained the spin cycle wasn’t working, that I’d need to wring out my clothes and it would take a few minutes.
At this, the guy went nuts. He said he didn’t have all day, that I had to remove my clothes and put them in the dryer. I said I didn’t want the dryer to be filled with water, that it would only take a minute to wring them out, but he kept ranting and raving. He began to berate me for not being down in the laundry room the second the washers stopped running, behaving as if my crime was as serious as murder. He got right in my face to intimidate me.
Who gets this upset over laundry? As you might imagine, this was scary. I was down in the basement alone with this guy and it was clear to me that he’s a potentially violent person. He was totally flipping out over nothing. He said in a very menacing way, “If you don’t get your clothes out of there, I’m taking them out.”
He kept on with his abusive behavior, but I didn’t bow to his demands, so he went to the washer and began to pull out my clothes and place them on the top of the washer, which was filthy. I snatched my clothes out of his hands and screamed for him to get away. He said he was removing my clothes no matter what. This behavior was shocking. I’ve been using laundry rooms for over 15 years, in countries around the world, and have never seen anything like this. While he hadn’t touched me personally, his behavior was physical, as well as verbally abusive. I told him I was going to call security and he said fine, go ahead. I quickly removed all my clothes from the washers and put them in the dryer. I didn’t want to cave in to his demands, but I felt very threatened. I remained in the laundry room because I feared he would tamper with my clothes. I didn’t say anything else, but he kept berating me and I ignored him.
As soon as he left, I went to my room to get my phone and called the emergency number left at the reception, since it was closed. I wanted to report this guy, obviously, but I didn’t know his name or room number and needed a staff member to come to the laundry with me to identify him. Also, I was too afraid to go back to the laundry room alone. My hands were literally shaking. I felt that this guy was going to come back and possibly assault me.
The male staff member who was on duty went with me to the laundry room and we waited for the guy to return. He eventually came. Not surprisingly, he lied about everything that had happened. He had a total Jekyll-and-Hyde personality switch, going from abusive asshole to Mr. Nice Guy. He said he had done nothing wrong, that he never touched my clothes, etc. I told him in very harsh terms that he was lying, that he knew what he’d done and that he was a bully. I said I never wanted him to speak to me or ever come near me again and that if he so much as looks at me the wrong way, I won’t hesitate to call the cops.
This conversation went on and on, with the guy telling the staff member that he’d done nothing wrong, that he’d never touched my clothes, etc., and me telling him right to his face that he’s a liar and a bully. The guy was clearly stunned that I was saying these things. It was obvious that he hadn’t been expecting me to get a member of staff and then tell him off. I knew he felt humiliated in front of the staff member. He kept saying, “I’ve lived here for six months and no one has ever complained about me.” He kept saying this over and over again, which leads me to think that he’s been in trouble at other places and is paranoid about keeping a good reputation at this place.
I finally yelled at the guy to get out of my face, that the conversation was over and that was the end of it. I went to the dryer and checked on my clothes. Then the guy said to the staff member, “See, look at her. She’s yelling. I’m not yelling. I’m calm, I’m not doing anything. Look at her, she’s crazy.”
That was the wrong thing to say.
I pointed my finger right in his face. I said, very calmly, “I know your type. When no one is around you like to bully women. You’re rude and threatening. But when an authority figure shows up, or any witness at all, you’re suddenly Mr. Nice Guy. I didn’t do anything. I’m calm. She’s the crazy one. I know how you operate and I’m not fooled, not for a second. You know what you did and so do I. Your behavior is a textbook example of a male abuser.”
And then he said, “Oh, do you have a problem with men?”
The way he said this, his voice dripping with faux-victimhood, it was obvious he’d been accused of bullying women before and was quick to pull out the victimized male card.
I didn’t know exactly where this guy was from, but I had my suspicions, which were later confirmed by the staff here. This guy is from a country where women have very few rights and men, particularly of the upper classes like this guy, rule everything. Of course there are plenty of men in this country who act abusive towards women, but it seemed to me that this guy got so upset because his sense of male entitlement was challenged. He couldn’t control my behavior. I refused to bow to him when he demanded that I remove my clothes. He wasn’t upset about laundry, he was upset because he didn’t get his way. It was frightening to witness this kind of behavior and I couldn’t help but feel sick at the thought of all the women who must live with men like this and face such abusive treatment all the time.
The staff members here, all male, said they are shocked to hear about this side of the guy’s personality. They said he seems a bit strange, but they’d never guess he could behave in such a bullying and abusive way. But then one guy said, “Well, he probably felt he could do that because you’re a woman. He thought he’d get away with it.”
I guess he picked on the wrong woman. Welcome to a country where women have rights, asshole. If you don’t like it, go crawl back under the pre-historic rock where you came from.
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This sort of behaviour just disgusts me, especially when someone can just lie to your face like that. Ugh – this is why I always hated living with other people, the fact that they can just turn on your like this. Good for you for standing up for yourself – I sometimes feel I lack courage in situations when someone is so hostile and confrontational. P
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Mariah Says:
January 3rd, 2010 at 4:00 pmGood for you, just be very careful and stay out of dark areas in your neighborhood.
Have a prosperous and productive new year. -
Thanks P and Mariah. I have been stomped on so much over the past year that if anyone messes with me, I just lose it. I’m careful not to put myself into a potentially dangerous situation (which is why I went to get the staff member), but I refuse to be bullied anymore. In my novel, my character is bullied a lot and then eventually she starts to fight back (in an extremely violent way!). Writing all those scenes has affected me, I think. Life imitating art, except I’m not violent – not yet!
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Brava, Anglofille. Brava! I’m checking back for the first time in a while. This story got me so upset on your behalf as I read the first few paragraphs, but then my distress turned to pride (which sounds weird, since I’m not your mom or anything, but pride in a sisterhood, you-tell-’em! sort of way) as I read how you dealt with him when he went that one step too far. Your words were perfect — how you responded to his belittling ‘crazy’ comment, I mean. Then here, you’ve analyzed him spot-on; it wasn’t the laundry, it was a woman’s courage to stand up to him at all that unleashed his inner-bully. Please stay alert in and around your building from now on. This guy sounds unstable. I’m glad your building has security, and that they are aware of the laundry encounter.
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Thanks Bangkok Mama! I’m glad you took pride in my Thelma & Louise episode.
I haven’t seen this guy since, but the the staff all know what happened. I think I will be moving out of here at the end of March, thankfully, but will be very careful until then.
