9 April, 2008 | 8 Comments
Courtesy of my mom:
“I know there are some guys out there who are nice and considerate and not gay. You just have to find them.”
Archive for the 'personal' Category
17 March, 2008 | 3 Comments
sometimes, out of the blue, my self-esteem just plummets to nothing. i find everything about the world and my life to be completely overwhelming. during these times the things other people say and do can wound me deeply. i get upset at them, then they get upset at me for being upset. this doesn’t help the situation.
crying would feel nice right now, like a long hot bath would feel. that urge is there, in the throat, all day long, just beyond my reach.
14 March, 2008 | 5 Comments
This week has had its ups and downs. There was no sunshine. [Bad.] I finished up my teaching duties. [Good. Well, mostly good. I will miss one of my fellow teachers. She and I developed our own little bitch clique. We'd sit at the back of the staff room and gossip and whisper about the other teachers. I mean, the other teachers are all so cheerful and happy to work for slave wages in a crap environment. What is wrong with them? We had fun ripping them to shreds. One of the other teachers saw us whispering once and he said, "There they are, conspiring again!" So we had a reputation. Some of the other teachers started to shun us, not even saying hello! They were just jealous that we got paid more and that we were so fabulously bitchy and smarter than all of them combined. And our boss was terrified of us -- when he'd approach us, his hands would literally shake. No joke. You may be surprised that sweet Anglofille is capable of behaving this way, but I can assure you that not only is she capable of behaving this way, she really enjoys it.]
So anyway, I’ve had a mixed week but this evening I received some fantastic news! My lawyer in Paris has just e-mailed me to say that she received a cheque from the evil landlady for the full amount of the judgment. She paid up, y’all! I am stunned! I just cannot imagine why she paid. I didn’t even have to call the bailiffs to get involved. She technically has a few days left to appeal this, so I won’t feel totally at ease until the cheque has cleared and her time for appealing has run out. Still, the situation looks good. I mean, she sent the cheque to my lawyer. Whew. I hope to soon have the money in my hands, including what she stole, the legal fees and a little extra for my troubles. Woot! Perhaps I should blow the whole amount of the damages on a luxurious trip to Paris. Or maybe I’ll spend it at the dentist. Yes, my award for pain and suffering should be spent on…more pain and suffering.
11 March, 2008 | 2 Comments
Yesterday I spent £60 on a bottle of Jo Malone Red Roses perfume. I really do not have the money to be buying expensive perfume right now. (You see, I quit my job. More on that soon.) But I ran out of my favorite Jo Malone more than a year ago and I’ve never replaced it. In all this time, I’ve been perfume-less. I will not buy cheap perfume. I will also not buy perfume by CK or Gautier or any of those other slags who use the likes of Kate Moss to advertise. No. Thank. You. It’s Jo Malone or nothing. She’s classy. So yesterday I woke up and thought, “screw it.” I wanted something luxurious and I walked to Selfridge’s in the wind and rain and bought what I wanted.
4 March, 2008 | 2 Comments
sunset in the tuileries
It’s been more than a week since I’ve posted anything! How very strange. I had such a marvelous time in Paris — and more importantly, a very productive time creatively — that since I’ve been back I’ve been reading a lot and working on my novel and haven’t had time for much else (besides the teaching). I’ve been feeling a bit happier and it’s always harder for me to blog when I feel happy. I was also too lazy to go through all the photos I had taken (which is a ton of work) and I can’t do a travel post without photos. But now I finally have my act together.
My trip to Paris was last-minute, but I went because I had this feeling in my gut that I needed to get away. I just felt in my bones that I’d benefit from three days away from work, home and my daily routine, where I could be alone and empty my mind of the banal, instead just focusing on art and writing and beauty. I felt this was what I needed, but as I left on the Eurostar I wasn’t entirely convinced anything positive would happen in Paris. After all, I had been creatively dead for two months, since before Christmas. In January and February I often go into a funk. It’s not something I can control — it’s a chemical reaction to the lack of sunshine. I’ve always been susceptible to this, but I’ve noticed it’s been worse since moving to London, where the winter days are much shorter than what I’ve experienced before. Before next winter rolls around, I must take steps to minimize the effect of this.
26 February, 2008 | 17 Comments
I had a magical time in Paris - simply magical! The trip far exceeded all expectations. I’m working on my novel again (thank GOD!!!). There was actual sunshine and warmth all weekend, which was intoxicating (see photo above — with more to come!). But I will wait to write about all of this because I have some GOOD NEWS to share. Yesterday while I was in Paris my lawyer called to tell me that…
I WON MY COURT CASE!!! And I won it big, baby!
This was the perfect ending to my lovely weekend. The judge ordered the evil landlady to return the deposit and guarantie she has illegally withheld for more than a year. And there’s more! I was awarded 1200€ for my legal fees. And the icing on the cake…1000€ in damages for abusive treatment! I was stunned. My lawyer was stunned too, actually. She said that in France, it is not common to receive damages in a civil case. Even though lawyers ask for them, they are rarely awarded as they are in the U.S. courts. She also said that if there is an awarding of legal fees, it will usually cover barely half the legal expenses, whereas in my case, I have been awarded more than I’ve actually spent (at least so far). I never expected such a big victory and my lawyer was just so pleased with herself and kept saying, “You really deserve this ruling!”
22 February, 2008 | 2 Comments
I’m off to Paris in the morning, armed with a chapter-in-progress from my novel, a blank notebook, a fountain pen and a paperback copy of The Bell Jar (which I have not read in a long time but need to re-read for my thesis). Oh — and I’m taking a camera, of course. I really hope this trip gives me the boost I need. I have no real plans besides wandering around and sitting in cafés drinking tea.
BTW, the judge in Paris made a ruling in my court case against the landlady. My lawyer has been trying to get a copy of the judgment from the court clerk for the past week. *Sigh* I can’t even begin to understand what the hold-up is. [Resisting the urge to insert snotty comment here.] Anyway, I should know next week. Then again, maybe not…
So have a good weekend. I’ll report back next week!
20 February, 2008 | 4 Comments
Tonight on the bus ride home from work I cried a little bit. I think it was from exhaustion, mostly. I’m still not entirely well but I’ve had to teach a lot of hours this week. I’m tired. I’m not sure where I’ll find the energy to do it all again tomorrow. In general I’m not entirely happy right now anyway. That’s just the way it is, like it or not. So all of this added up to a teary moment on a packed bus. While looking out the window at the whirl of pedestrians and red traffic lights of Holborn, I wouldn’t have thought it was possible to feel entirely alone in the world. That’s how I felt, then, at least for that moment.
This weekend I am going to Paris. Saturday, Sunday, Monday. Even if I don’t feel well enough to go, I’m going. I splurged on the ticket. I need to feel inspired, I need to feel pleasure — the kind of sensual pleasure that only Paris can provide. Last year at this time I was living there, trying to sort myself out, trying to pull myself up from the lowest of the low. I’m craving a visit to Paris right now. Or perhaps, maybe, what I’m really craving is for something to
wake me up.
15 February, 2008 | 2 Comments
I returned home from work last night to discover this huge bouquet of pink ranunculuses waiting for me! I was stunned! I’ve never seen such beautiful flowers. The bouquet is so huge (more than 50 blooms) that I had to split it into two vases.
You know, I really needed a pick-me-up this week and these flowers are very much appreciated. I’m so touched. Thanks M - ! xoxo
[Click below for more flower porn imagery...]
14 February, 2008 | 4 Comments
I took this photo last Valentine’s Day in Montmartre Cemetery. Nothing says “I love you” like a creepy photo taken in a graveyard. And you know, I really do love you. Yes, you.
Last night in my sick bed I went through the Paris photo archives looking for my Valentine’s photos from last year, since I knew there was no chance of me taking any new ones today. I was in quite a weird mood last V-day. Click below for two more photos I took in Paris — one of a bondage shop (my third most-viewed photo on Flickr, entitled “love = pain”) and a more traditionally pretty one. No matter how you’re feeling on this clichéd day of love, I think there’s a photo here to suit your mood. That’s my gift to you. It’s not much, but then what did you get me? Uh-huh, that’s what I thought.
13 February, 2008 | 3 Comments
…because she is sick. Anglofille lost her temper this morning when she discovered her students did not have their assignments printed out. She implied they were useless morons and her face turned all red and she became super-bitch. The students were stunned. Anglofille would have enjoyed watching them squirm, but she doesn’t like losing her cool and so she felt ashamed. After this, Anglofille realized she is indeed quite sick and needs to be in bed.
Anglofille then went to Boots and the pharmacist listened to her symptoms and gave her some magic potion to make it all better. Anglofille also bought lemon and honey to put in hot water, as directed by the pharmacist, who also suggested she gargle with aspirin mixed in water. Ugh. Anglofille is not doing that. Anglofille doesn’t gargle.
If not better soon, the doctor on Friday…
12 February, 2008 | 4 Comments
I know I haven’t been blogging much lately and when I do blog, the content has been a tad on the melancholy side. This post isn’t necessarily much different. My apologies in advance.
–Jamaican taxi driver to me, after I handed him his fare: “Cheers, baby.” I’ve never heard that before, but I like it.
–I finally made it to the Ladurée in Harrods. Unlike in Paris, there was no queue out the door, no pushing and shoving, no macaron-starved mob behaving like the cast of Les Miserables. Unfortunately, the London branch is more expensive. [London more expensive? Mais non! C'est impossible!] I heard the macarons are flown in from Monaco each day. Screw the environment. I bought a box of macarons that I had to ship across the Atlantic. Yes, I’m serious. I’m such a sucker. But I’m pleased to report the macarons here taste the same as the ones in Paris. If they didn’t taste the same, that would be a crisis on par with Afghanistan or some such.
8 February, 2008 | 8 Comments
Thanks for all the comments you left on my previous post (and for the e-mails and IMs and phone calls). You are all so kind to me and honestly, I was really touched and moved to tears. Thank you. I’m also pleased that people liked the Meredith poem, which is one of my favorites.
As you might imagine, the morning after my post I regretted it. That post may have seemed like a shameless plea for sympathy, but that wasn’t the impetus behind it. I was experiencing some intense emotions and I just wanted to write them down and send them out into the universe. I didn’t know how else to deal with what I was experiencing at that moment. Sometimes I feel the need to put my deepest darkest vulnerabilities into words — it’s not pleasant, but it helps me.
Anyway, it’s difficult for me to write more about this here. I just had a difficult January too, with not being able to focus on my work and feeling at loose ends. January is always tough for me, so I’m not surprised I struggled so much but still, I didn’t expect to plunge into such a bleak mood this past weekend. I am feeling a lot better now though. I need to force myself back into my PhD work, which is what I’m doing today. I am trying to be sociable too. Yesterday I went out to lunch with a friend, then was invited to a friend’s flat for tea after dinner, then I went to a pub where a certain wicked boy made me drink strawberry-flavored beer from Belgium. Normally I can’t even stomach the smell of beer, but this strawberry stuff tasted like fruit punch. Yum. With everything else that’s been happening, I thought I might as well take up drinking.
26 January, 2008 | 3 Comments
As long as they gaze on Waterloo sunset
They are in paradise.
—-”Waterloo Sunset,” The Kinks
Here is my first official Waterloo Sunset of 2008. Yes, my obsession has continued into the New Year. I’ve been down to Waterloo Bridge several times in the past few weeks, but the sun was hiding from me until today. I’ve decided to number my Waterloo Sunsets for 2008 and give them titles. I’ve called this one “Ink Stained.” The sky looked inky today and I thought, given my crippling writer’s block, it was a fitting title.
The wind was so strong on the bridge that I almost dropped my camera into the Thames, but it was worth it. Gazing on Waterloo Sunset always makes me feel better. I still can’t write, but I feel a little bit more alive.
Tomorrow I’ll post about Paris!
21 January, 2008 | 2 Comments
Back from Paris. Exhausted. Journey from St. Pancras noticeably shorter. Thank heavens.
Grandmother hanging in there.
Court hearing this morning. “Everything was fine,” my lawyer just sent via email. Must wait one month for judge’s decision.
Brought home macarons. From Ladurée.
18 January, 2008 | 4 Comments
I am off to Paris for le weekend. I’m leading a group of 20+ students. Fun fun! I must be honest and admit I’m not looking forward to this trip. Quite coincidentally, my court case is on Monday (which I will not attend) and now my grandmother is seriously ill in the hospital, which is always tough when one lives so far away. So I have a lot on my mind and I’d rather stay home, but that’s not possible. As the French say, on y va!
9 January, 2008 | Comments
…that I have a blog. It’s just that I’m unable to write much of anything right now. E-mails, blog posts, my novel…zilch. The words have flown away like little birds and I’m not sure when they’re coming back. They will come back. I’m not worried about that. Right now, however, they are missing in action. This happens from time to time. It sucks.
In lieu of any real content, I leave you with my thought for the day:
Go Hillary go!
3 January, 2008 | 5 Comments
Today I went to a shop to buy a sandwich. I paid for my food, but then the guy behind the counter gave me a bottle of water and other stuff for free because, he said, he likes my smile and wants me to come back again. I know, I know — barf. The problem is that I’ve been feeling a bit loopy and giggly and unhinged the past few days and I think he thought I was flirting with him, which I may have been doing inadvertently. [I'm sure I don't need to point out that this guy was not British or even European. I'm sure I also don't need to point out that he asked if I was American before giving me the free stuff. Lots of foreign pervs love American women. I blame Hollywood.] Anyway, note to self: Never return to that shop again.
The reason for my loopiness the past few days can be described in two words: jet. lag. I’ve been back in the UK for four nights and have probably slept soundly for a total of 16 hours. I have absolutely no clue what day of the week it is right now. None at all. Someone help me. Please.
31 December, 2007 | 10 Comments
I’ve indulged in quite a bit of self-reflection over the past 12 months…it’s just been that kinda year. 2007 was a year that changed everything for me and so before it’s consigned to the history books in about eight hours, I want to take a look back in words and images.
Exactly one year ago today, I had just moved into a new apartment sublet near the Eiffel Tower. I was feeling hopeful about the future, as if I was about to turn a corner and begin a new chapter of my life after what had been a difficult few months adjusting to life in Paris. Then that night – at around 11:00 p.m. on New Year’s Eve! – the apartment owner informed me I was being evicted; he preferred I leave right then and check into a cheap hotel. It was a terrible way to start the New Year. His decision sent me down a path that was difficult to recover from given everything else that was happening. The next six weeks were among the most difficult of my life. I don’t even like to think about them.
I never would have guessed during those cold dark miserable horrible January days that by the end of 2007 I would be happier and more stable than I ever have been before in my adult life. It wasn’t easy to get to this place, but I’m so grateful to be where I am now.
20 December, 2007 | 5 Comments
Here is the second-annual Anglofille Birthday Self-Portrait in Mirror Obscured by Camera. Yes, I know it’s an orange and over-processed photo and I look slightly crazy and my hair is wet, but I like to shake things up. It’s also a day early, but after this post I’m signing off for a week. I think at this point in 2007 we’re all sick of hearing from me and I’m kinda sick of myself too, so a break is in order.
Yesterday I landed in the wondrous city of Philadelphia, of which I saw the airport, bumper-to-bumper traffic on I-95, the Ben Franklin Bridge and that’s it. I was promptly whisked away to the wilds of New Jersey by my dear friend and boy toy William. I’m relaxing at his place today and we’re going out for Mexican food. Ahhhhhh. I also get to sleep in his guest room, which has more books in it than the British Library.
Tomorrow we head to NYC to celebrate my birth, that glorious event. I’m actually very excited about New York. Normally the thought of it just stresses me out, but not this time. While there I need to visit my old stomping grounds in Brooklyn to do some research for my novel and then we’ll hang out in Manhattan and paint the town red and stay in a mid-town hotel that got reviews on Trip Advisor with headlines like “Never Again!”, “My Trip Was Ruined!”, “Not Bad If You Have No Standards.” I can’t wait.
